in general

I'm feeling lethargic. I miss last year. As i said, I love London, wouldn't trade it for anything. But I have to go home. Which sucks. Because it's a constant reminder that I'm not ehre forever, and I can't keep wasting time. I like to think i don't waste too much time, but really, I do. And I am getting out of shape.

I don't know. I miss not being around PLU people...Wait... thats wrong. I miss being around them. Seeing pictures of everyone makes me sad. and Im missing knowing whats going on. I want to hear about stuff down there. In a perfect world, they would just be here with me.

Like i said, I'm feeling lethargic. I really don't want to leave though. Because, honestly, when in the world will i get to do this again? never. And I have to get a job lined up for the summer and do something involving theatre.... I dont know though. I wouldn't know what to do. I think The Y would be good again, you make a fair amount of oney and its a good organization and everything. But

What am I doing? Really. I have no idea what I am going to do with myself once I graduate. It's not that I have no idea what I want to do, i just don't know what I am going to do. does that distinction make sense?

In more happy things, we went to the Globe this morning....

HAHA. the song Im listening to just went "let's forget we're running out of time".

Globe. It was like visitng the birthplace of my ansectors or something. so surreal. and then we did this cool workshop thing, and the opening activity reminded me a lot of our improv warm ups.

thats another thing that makes me sad. Improv and performing and the people i do that with have been a pretty big part of my life for the past 2 years, and to not have that, and seeing it change is hard. especially being over here and not being a part of that change. last year was so different. change and progression is good I know, but it's hard when I feel like I'm watching it from the outside. I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I dont think I will ever have a really solid group of people. THat sounds really depressing, but i think it's true. I dont eman good friends, I mean like... a group. Im a pretty fluid person that way. and I kind of think i've been that way for a while. In High school I had my ddrama friends and then band friends and my friends from elementary school. Freshman year it took me forever to find a group- and I move around a lot. not like... packing up and moving out. But freshman year i was clost to the wing, and then after eclipsed and J-term.... I wasn't. I didn't branch out. It wasn't until last year i got close with the crows and the murder and the theatre department. and this year i branched out again to mana and kings and more chior people. which wasn't bad, just different. and it can be really hard because I see everyone else getting uuber close and I feel left out. there's nothing wrong with being independent, and its' ahrd to think of myself as an independent person because i feel like i rely on other people a lot. But I don't get called up and invitied to things. It takes me a long time to settle with a group. and i hate inviting myself to things. I feel like im being intrusive. I also hate judging people and I hate feeling judged. I don't know what that has to do with anything, but whatever. I just feel like... im never going to be "in" with a group. Im always going to have to stand on my own. which is scary. and for planning for next year and after graduation and after the program ends, I would much rather travel with someone else. but.... i dont really know what im trying to say.

I hate feeling like i have to be independent BECAUSE no one else wants to be with me. not romantically or anything. is it somethign i do? am i stand offish? i just feel like i cannect with a lot of people, but rarely on a deep level. a lot of times its just shallow friendship. I think. I dont know. I do have my close friends, but until i have those close friends its all on the surface. people hang out with me by default. they dont seek me out and want to hang out with me. and i wish they did. maybe this sounds whiny. im also very insecure a lot of times. it goes back to the judging things. i hate being judged because it makes me feel stupid. I try not to be that kind of person and I wish more people saw that. maybe that's self uplifting or self righteous sounding. i dont know.

i think im getting a little homesick too. But i dont want to go home. I dont want to leave london. there are so many more opportunities for things here. also, i dont want to leave because it really hasn't sank in that im here. its still very surreal. i wish that had passed, but it hasn't. Its only when im sitting on the tube thinking about people half a world away that it seems real.

the tube is a really interesting place. its wierd to think about how everyone on it, and you hardly ever see the same people, everyone has a story. everyone has a family and experiences and a life and.... it sounds wierd to say, obvious, really, but it's crazy thinking about how many people there are out there. again, no idea what that hast to do with anything but.... whatever

okay so here are some tube stories:

crazy blessing guy
awkward canoodling
nicoles secret lover kissing her on the train
other people who pretended to be spanish to get these irish guys to leave them alone.

so yeah.

long random rant.

ive gotta plan my trip.
and i dont think im going to be flying anywhere this weekend. stupid.